Different Floors of the House

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Libertarianism: What You Don't Understand About it and Why

Let's face it.  I'll help you, here, because I know it's tough.  I want you to say: "I am an idiot."

Yeah, yeah, very funny.  Now, I don't want you to say "You're an idiot" again.  I want you to say "I am an idiot" those words precisely...very important for this exercise.

Go ahead, you can do it.

"I am an idiot."

See that wasn't so har--HEY WAIT A SECOND!  Shouts your inner know-it-all self.  Why am I an idiot...precisely?

Well, I'll tell you, idiot.  You are an idiot because you continue to vote for the same liberal or conservative meatheads that never live up to expectation.  In fact, you've become so accustomed to political disappointment that you've adopted silly little catch-phrases (which you wholeheartedly believe--and some for good reason) like:

  1. All politicians are liars. (i.e. Q: When can you tell that a politician is lying?  A: His mouth is moving.)
  2. The government is riddled by and with incompetence.
  3. Campaign promises aren't really promises.
  4. It's the worst government in the world...except for all the other governments of the world.
  5. The size of the national debt doesn’t matter because we owe it to ourselves.
  6. Nanny State...saying this isn't necessarily bad, saying it like you say it (i.e. en passant) is VILE.
Yes.  You are an idiot because you believe one or more of these things to be true.  And whether one of these clanking cliche's ring true or none of them, the very fact that we've grown accustomed to any of them is a big, fat problem.  And what have you done about it?  Lots!  You say.  I've done lots!
  1. You volunteered for a campaign you thought would be different.  Kudos!  So, how'd that work out for you?  
  2. You constantly called your representative on an issue you really, really cared about and that you thought your representative would care about.  How'd that go?
  3. You started a blog and spewed forth your conceptualizations and frustrations in hopes that someone of importance might take you seriously.  Ha!  Ha-ha-ha-hahahahahahaha!
  4. You went to rallies or protests and turned over cars or knocked old ladies down because, damnit, you're mad as hell and you're just not going to take it anymore!  And, here you are, taking it...more so than you used to.
  5. You wallowed in self regret until you finally felt hopeless about the whole politics thing and decided, in a fit of grief, to put all the episodes of LOST on your computer and play them in shuffle mode to really amplify your despair and sense of universal disenfranchisement.  Oh, buddy, you're in a world of hurt...
Don't worry, idiot, you're not alone.  As you so coyly pointed out at the beginning of this post, I, your humble Libertarian host, was once an idiot just like you.

A while back I engaged in a rather heated over-the-phone conversation about this country's strident leaps toward socialism.  During the course of that conversation, the opposing debater said:  "What about Social Security?  Certainly you like that!"  And my response was a crisp, emphatic, frothing, rancorous "No!"  Well, the person whom I was engaged in this little quodlibet with was uniquely astonished.  No one, it seems, in their right mind, would dare say they thought Social Security was "unacceptable socialism".  But I went further.  "Social Security" I said, "is a scam."  And it is.  Social Security is a scam the size of which makes Bernie Madoff's endeavor look like a lunch money shakedown.  It is a Ponzi scheme of the worst kind--it is legal.

Little does my debate partner realize that, by the most conservative estimates, Social Security will run out of money two years before I'm eligible to collect one RED cent from it.  Oh joy!  Where do I sign up?

It'll never happen, you say.  They'll figure something out.  They'll print more money.  Something will happen and it'll be fixed.

I'm laughing at you, not with you, I promise.

But you see, that's the problem.  To fix a problem created by the U.S. government, the U.S. government creates another problem.  And then they concoct a remedy for that failure and a fix-all for the problems that created and then they need a cure for that failed policy until one day all we have is some dangling empire of lies garbled together and bound by duct tape.

But it doesn't have to be that way.  It really, really doesn't.  That's where I come in.  (Yes.  I am awesome.)

I have, for the benefit of you and me and the future of us all, dedicated many minutes a day since that argument mentioned previously to write down all the vast government programs involved in this vicious cycle.  In my book, Libertarianism:  What You Don't Understand About it and Why, I address and answer the following:

1. What these programs are, how they came to be, how they are funded, what they do or are supposed to do, etc.

2.  Why you don't understand that these programs are evil and should not only be discontinued, but outlawed.

3.  Why you consistently lie to yourself and say these programs are "working".

4.  There is no four, I just think ending a list at three is bad luck.

And it's yours for only 14.95.

What the...you say?

That's right, I'm a free market libertarian, you think I'm going to tell you why you're a complete idiot for free?  Guess again, sucker.  And I care not a whit that you're thinking right now:  "This shameless know-nothing, nobody, cocky, moronic s.o.b.!  Why the hell would this guy think I would send him anything!?"

I don't.  You won't.

You'll just keep sending that money to the federal government until the day you retire.  And then, one day (the day right after you retire) when you get NOTHING from the U.S. government, no return on your investment, you'll think back about this cocky idiot and about how he tried to warn you.

See, that's the problem with you sad, pathetic idiots.  You're pandered to.  You think you have the right to not be called an idiot.  You think you're informed.  You're not informed.  If you were informed this government wouldn't be running amok with or without your input and/or faux attempts at bending it to your meekly little will.  You're so used to getting information--vital information about how the world SHOULD work--for free.  The internet is full of would-be pundits and idiot savants who can bloviate like nobody's business.  Because that's what it is.  A non-business.  Sure, some of us may be making a little cash doing this, but in order to have a business, you have to have a viable production.   And, I see no production.  Nothing we've said or done has had an effect so far.  Don't get me started on these neo-cons the teaparty movement has successfully hoisted up over democrats of late.  That, my dear idiots, is not production in any sense of the word.

I say it's information about how the world SHOULD work that we're all looking for and the actual real-time means of producing that which SHOULD be.  Am I right?  This is what my book really does.  It gives you the power to become something more than an a useful idiot, it gives you the power to produce real results in politics.  I mean, we already know how the world DOES work (Social Madoff Security), and if you don't know how the world works, don't buy my book.  I don't want you reading it.  You don't deserve to read it.  Yet.

Alright so, if you're frustrated with the idiots in your political party and how they constantly disappoint you, if your angry that the president you elected is nothing more than an extension of the last presidency, or if your just yearning to find out why libertarians always seem to be chuckling internally when some bank fails or some mortgage company comes begging for a hand out, or when the primary stockholders of a certain car company (The U.S. Gub'ment)  are holding investigative hearings pertaining to one of its major competitors, or why you have to pay twelve bucks to park your car in the forest, send me your money and I'll enlighten you.

Until I get your money.  You're an idiot.

That's it, that's all.  

P.S. Don't send me any money you idiots, I didn't write any damned book.  These books have already been written by dudes with actual credentials.  So what was the point of all this?  I dunno, idiot, you figure it out.

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